Co-Parenting: Growing Your Influence in Challenging Circumstances

Co-parenting can be one of the most challenging parts of raising a child. It’s difficult when you feel powerless to parent in the way you believe is best—especially if the other parent disagrees or actively undermines your efforts. However, there’s good news: Your ability to influence your child is greater than you might think. Even if the changes you’re hoping for aren’t happening as quickly as you’d like, don’t give up.

At Parenting Solutions, we teach families evidence-informed techniques from the Parent Project Sr.® class, the nation’s leading program for parents of strong-willed and defiant teens. Here’s how you can grow your influence and make a lasting impact on your child’s life.

Consistent Love and Affection

At the cornerstone of effective parenting—even in a challenging co-parenting dynamic—is love and affection. It’s crucial to remind your child every day that they are loved. Even when your child is not with you, a simple text message can let them know that they are on your mind. This consistent demonstration of care builds a foundation of trust and reassurance.

Focus on Positive Consequences and Positive Strokes

When you’re dealing with a co-parent who undermines your efforts, enforcing negative consequences can feel almost impossible. Instead, shift your focus to positive consequences. It’s easy to assume that negative consequences might be more effective, but studies have shown that positive consequences are the most effective way to influence behavior. 

Use positive strokes when you catch your child doing something right. Praising them not only encourages continued good behavior but also reinforces the loving bond between you. Even when another parent negates a rule you set, remember that you still hold the power to influence your child.

Encourage the Other Parent to Seek Support

Over time, the consequences of poor parenting techniques often reveal themselves. When those consequences become apparent, the parent using less effective methods might begin to feel the impact of your child’s behavior. This realization can become an opportunity to encourage that parent to seek support and re-evaluate their approach.

In a recent parenting class, one parent shared that they joined after discovering that their ex-spouse had taken the class years earlier. Facing challenges in their own household made them realize the value of support and expert advice. Such experiences underscore that while you cannot control your child or the dynamics in the other household, you can control the influence you build.

Build Consistent Influence

Focus on what you can control. Use positive strokes and positive consequences consistently when your child is with you. If possible, work together to create negative consequences that both households can agree upon. When agreement isn’t feasible, ensure that the rules you set are followed while your child is in your care.

When life teaches your child that certain choices do not lead to the outcomes they desire, they will naturally seek guidance from someone they trust. That is when your influence will matter the most.

Believe in Your Ability to Make a Difference

The ultimate challenge in co-parenting is to trust in your own power to make a difference when you are not able to control what is happening in the other home. Show your child love and affection daily, regardless of how their behavior might fluctuate or how frustrated you feel with the other household. Stay consistent, patient, and focused on the positive influence you can have.

Remember, you’re stronger than you think, and your influence is greater than you know. Embrace these strategies, and let your steady, loving approach guide your child toward a positive future.

References

Fry, Ralph "Bud," and Roger Morgan. Changing Destructive Adolescent Behavior. Parent Project, Inc., 2021.